


Repetition

by squireofgeekdom



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, By which I mean Roller's 'death', Canonical Character Death, Flashbacks, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Past Character Death, Set around/during MTMTE 40, So not actually character death, but in the context of this fic it's treated as such given what the characters know at the time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-08-28 08:58:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16720302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squireofgeekdom/pseuds/squireofgeekdom
Summary: Finding out that the crew members who followed Brainstorm back in time met Roller in Alyon brings back old regrets for Ratchet, along with the realization that some regrets don't have to stay regrets.





	Repetition

**Author's Note:**

> It's been many months since I've last written Introspective & Sad Ratchet Fic With An Ultimately Hopeful Ending, and obviously I couldn't let that stand.
> 
> Thanks to Veto_power_over_clocks for beta reading!
> 
> Some lines from Ratchet's last conversation with Roller and his conversations with Rung and Rodimus are taken directly from MTMTE 40.

Fucking _time travel._

Ratchet wanders through Swerve’s, drink in hand. Tailgate’s telling the story of leaving the message to the past Lost Light, again. Ratchet huffs and carefully changes his direction so he won’t walk too close to the cluster of bots around him.

“- don’t go to Delphi -”

Ratchet shakes his head a little, rubbing his wrist before he realizes he’s doing it. Don’t go to Delphi - go to Delphi before it’s too late, more like. Don’t let Pharma go to Delphi. Don’t leave Hunter on his own. Don’t -  

He doesn’t like time travel. It makes him think of - too many things he thought he’d left behind. What would you say, if you could go back? What would _you_ change? - the questions feel like they’re humming under everyone’s plating - everyone who knows what happened, that is, though if Tailgate talks loud enough that’ll be the whole ship soon enough. It’s amazing that Swerve hasn’t overheard, honestly -

There were - too many things to warn Optimus - Orion - about, too many to count.

_Don’t take Roller -_

He shakes his head. You don’t get to redo a botched operation, not outside of sims. You reviewed your mistakes so you didn’t do them again, so you saved the next patient. But you couldn’t fix them.

That’s what he tells himself. Doesn’t mean there aren’t moments he _knows_ he turned over long after he’s revisited every mistake.

You can’t fix it. But -

But nothing, it would override their timeline. It would mean no one here existed anymore. Nothing works out as neatly as that - that movie Rodimus likes. Brainstorm may have been willing to consider condemning himself to nonexistence, but -

 _What’s so good about this timeline?_ Asks part of his processor, the part that understands Rewind’s shot.

What’s so good about this timeline? Four million years of war, Pharma gone mad, _Overlord_ killing all the crew he could, an entire other Lost Light murdered by the DJD -

That came back to Overlord, too. Don’t look in the basement - don’t let Rodimus be an idiot and bring fucking _Overlord_ on board, more like. No Overlord, no DJD, no killing spree, no dead Rewind and Pipes and Tripodeca and - and no First Aid having to piece _him_ back together, and no reattaching Drift’s legs, and -

Drift would still be here.

He doesn’t feel guilty about his vote, or telling Rodimus. He doesn’t.

Rung is sitting in a booth, off to the side - Ratchet almost hadn’t noticed him. Rung would probably have some guff about not being ashamed of guilt or talking about _blah blah blah._

But he’d probably be quieter to drink with than Tailgate.

“Mind if I sit?”

“Oh, Ratchet!” Rung starts - maybe time travel just makes some people jumpy. “Of course not.”

Ratchet takes a seat. Rung’s still fidgety, playing with the umbrella that sits in his glass. It’s distracting Ratchet from his drink.

“I didn’t expect to see you here today. Are things going well in the Medibay?”

“Yeah. Slow day. First Aid has it handled.” He takes a long drink. Rung watches him, but looks away when Ratchet looks back.

Ratchet sets down his glass and sighs. “If you’ve got something to say you might as well say it.”

“I -” Rung shakes his head. “It’s not -”

“What?” Ratchet says, “Everyone who went back has _some_ damn thing or another on their minds, and we can’t do anything about it now, so you might as well tell me if you’re going to keep twitching about it.”

“This isn’t - maybe we should talk about this somewhere else.”

Like _hell_ he’s talking about this in Rung’s office. “If you’re just going to tell me that past me was less of an asshole, you can say that here, I already know.”

Rung looks down at his drink, fidgeting with the umbrella again. “You remember when you told me about Roller?”

Ratchet starts. “I did?”

“Yes,” Rung says, with a slightly chagrined smile, “I suppose it must not have been a very memorable conversation.” Rung’s drawing little circles in the residue at the bottom of his cup with the tip of his umbrella. “We saw Roller.”

Ratchet freezes.

He knows, from the context he’s heard about the mission, from the way Rung’s not looking at him, what Rung means. He saw Roller before he disappeared.

“At Alyon,” Rung says, confirmation, and Ratchet nods, mechanically, the same dullness creeping over him as when Orion had finally told him.

\---

He almost went to answer his primary comm line at the chime, but then he recognized the sound - all too rare, it was the chime from the encrypted line to Orion.

He pulls that communicator from out of his subspace, keeping his hands steady. His patient looks up at him, confused, but the crucial damage has been repaired, there’s nothing that can’t wait five minutes, in case this is urgent - and given how infrequently Orion calls, it almost certainly is.

“It’s me,” he says, ducking in to what passes for his office at the clinic.

“Ratchet,” Orion says on the other end of the line, and then stops for a moment.

“Orion?” Ratchet asks, carefully keeping the panic out of his voice. “What’s happening? Are you alright?”

“I am - fine. I am sorry, I wanted to tell you in person, but I don’t think we will be able to go back to Rodion soon.”

“Tell me what?” Ratchet catches sight of his patient standing up from the cot and waves his hand through the door frantically, gesturing them back down. “ _Just a minute._ Orion, is everything -”

“Ratchet -” Orion starts, then pauses. “Do you have a patient? My apologies, I didn’t think -”

“Yes, I - I’m sorry, but if this isn’t urgent?”

“It’s - it can wait,” Orion says. “Can I call you in - an hour?”

Ratchet considers, checks his internal chronometer, frowning. “That should be more than enough time, of course. Are you sure -”

“Yes. Yes, of course, I’m sorry.” Orion says. “We’ll speak then.”

“Alright.”

The line goes dead. Ratchet goes back out to his patient, distracted - thankfully the remaining repairs are mindless, he tries to let his mind trace itself out in the motions rather than turning Orion’s words over and over, trying to guess what he’s about to hear in an hour.

An hour is more than enough time, he’s left with time with nothing to do as time ticks closer, some cowardly part of his brain hoping a critical patient will come in the door and keep him from taking the call.

He cleans, takes inventory, makes notes of what he needs to order next, doesn’t sit still for a moment, tries not to ping his internal chronometer every half a second.

The call comes as he’s walking to toss away an empty container of energon supplements - he nearly drops the container on the floor.

“It’s me.”

“Ratchet,” Orion coughs on the other end of the line. “Is everything still - is this a good time?”

“Yes. No one’s here. What - what did you need to tell me?”

There’s a pause on the other end of the line. “We just left Alyon.” Orion says. “Where the sparkfield was.”

“Was?”

“The council tried to kill the sparklings.” Orion says. “We tried to harvest as many as we could, send them to Nyon. And we stopped the ship that was trying to kill them. I think most of them will live.”

He’s speaking slowly, almost as though he’s struggling to hold the words together.

“That’s - that’s good.” Ratchet says. “Do you want me to go to Nyon? Check for residual effects in the protoforms, make sure -”

“Ratchet.” Orion says, and Ratchet feels his engine block drop at the tone of his voice. “When the sparklings were under attack, Roller left the safe zone. To try and collect as many as he could.”

Ratchet knows what comes next.

“He didn’t - he didn’t come back. I’m sorry. We -”

“His body,” Ratchet says. “You said you - you couldn’t come back soon. Where do I need to go, for - for -”

Someone’s dead. He needs to do an autopsy.

“There wasn’t a body. We -” Orion sounds - disoriented almost, “we looked for him, Ratchet, I’m sorry.”

“Okay. Okay,” he says. “Was anyone else hurt? Is anyone showing - any effects of - what did you say they used on the sparklings? Have you checked - any - any irregular spark activity, the medical kit I gave you should have a -”

“Ratchet,” Orion says, “We have been - I -” he pauses.  “Everyone else is fine. We’re all in - good health.”

“Good. Good.” Ratchet says. “You - you should still check to make sure. The meter has instructions.”

“I will.”

“Comm me with the details.”

“I will.”

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Orion says, and there’s a long silence. “We checked the logs in Nyon. Roller’s last transports were successful,” he says. “He died saving lives. It’s what -”

“Of course he did.” Ratchet says, because he doesn’t think he can bear hearing ‘it’s what he would have wanted.’

“Yes. Of course.”

“Okay,” Ratchet says. “You - you’re sure everyone’s - that’s all?”

“Yes. I’m sorry.”

“It’s - it’s okay. You just -” _don’t die_ “don’t do anything too stupid out there, alright?”

“Of course not.”

“Okay.”

“I can comm you tomorrow.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I’ll comm you.”

“Okay.”

“I - take care, Ratchet.”

The line goes dead.

Ratchet sits down, and wishes he wasn’t so careful about not keeping engex at the clinic.

\---

He hadn’t cried. He certainly hadn’t had a breakdown in the middle of a bar, and so he’s definitely not going to do that _now,_ four million years later.

“I -” Rung starts, interrupting Ratchet’s reminiscing, “we couldn’t change anything.”

“I know,” Ratchet says, flat and rote.

“But -” Rung starts, then seems to second guess himself for a moment. Ratchet stares at him until he speaks. “Even though I knew Chromedome would - but I didn’t know that was where -” he shakes his head, not quite looking at Ratchet, just glancing at him quickly before looking away, “He was using speeders. C32. To keep up, he said.”

 _Damn you. Damn you, you_ stupid _, you -_  

Ratchet nods.

“I tried to - I tried to encourage him to stop,” Rung says, and Ratchet laughs, almost chokes, dammit, damn the ‘Lost Light tradition’, he’s not having a breakdown in public, in _Swerve’s._ Rung keeps talking, a small mercy. “I tried to tell him what we know now, about -”

“Spark failure. Yeah.” It didn’t change anything. It didn’t change anything, because Roller isn’t here.

“It was -”

“No good. Yeah,” Ratchet says, “Chromedome or no Chromedome, you couldn’t have talked him out of it. Goddamn ‘point one percenter’ thinking he’s not good enough. Like -” his voicebox, the traitor, _hiccups_ , for fuck’s sake, “like talking to a brick wall.”

He stares down into his drink like he’s already drowning in it.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have - I should have brought this up somewhere else. It’s -”

“I’m _fine_.”

Rung just looks at him. After a moment, he starts, “he was very brave. I know Orion must have told you, but - he saved a lot of lives that day.” Rung says, “He was very brave.”

“There was nothing you could have done.” Ratchet says, “He would never have stopped. Stupid, stubborn bot. He always has to - had to -” He sighs. “You couldn’t have done anything.”  

He could no sooner have stopped Roller from trying to save as many people as he could than he could have stopped him going to Alyon in the first place - no sooner than Roller could have talked Ratchet into leaving his patients.

He’s told himself this before. Time travel, too much repetition.

“Ratchet - you know if you ever -”

Ratchet downs his drink. “I’m fine. I need to -” He jerks his thumb back behind him in a way that he hope indicates _something_ important.

_“Even though I knew Chromedome would -”_

He’d asked Perceptor if things would be different now, and he’d said - well, he’d been very long winded about it, and dammit, he was a doctor, not a theoretical physicist - but he said that Brainstorm and the others had _always_ traveled back in time, or something - they hadn’t changed time, they’d always been a part of that history, and that meant -

If Chromedome hadn’t tampered with their heads, would they have searched sooner? Been able to find him? If the others hadn’t been there, would Orion have made a different call? Would Roller? Had being reminded of speeders and - ?

 _Was it their fault_?

He’s done this before. He’s been through all of it; Roller, Orion, himself most of all, he’s tried to find the blame, tried to find what he could have done differently.

He’s done this before. He shouldn’t have to do it again. Won’t do it again, not to Chromedome or Rodimus or Rung - who he probably owes an apology of some kind, goddammit.

He thought he’d let it go. He’d been able to talk about Roller, talk about the last time the three of them had spoken - talk about it _to_ Rung, even, technically, even if Rung hadn’t been conscious at the time. (Was that what he was talking about? But he couldn't possibly remember that -)

Time travel, too much repetition.

\---

“... heading to Alyon, Pax got a tipoff from Zeta, he’s managed to get most of the outliers - y’know, the kids who were with Shockwave - since they’re on the run too.” Roller says, “Alyon should be out of the way of Sentinel, it’s -”

“Middle of nowhere. I know. Makes sense.” Ratchet keeps his hands occupied changing out the cog. “Zeta’s found him a safe way to get there, I assume,”

“Yeah. Ratchet -”

“We’ve talked about this.”

“I know. But that doesn’t change the fact that - we could use you.”

“You’re asking me to come with you?”

“Yes - I know that -”

“Yes. Yes, of course I’ll come with you.” Ratchet says, “Someone needs to keep you from doing anything too stupid.”

\---

Not how it happened.

Repeat.

\---

“... heading to Alyon, Pax got a tipoff from Zeta, he’s managed to get most of the outliers - y’know, the kids who were with Shockwave - since they’re on the run too.” Roller says, “Alyon should be out of the way of Sentinel, it’s -”

“Middle of nowhere. I know. Makes sense.” Ratchet keeps his hands occupied changing out the cog. “Zeta’s found him a safe way to get there, I assume,”

“Yeah. Ratchet -”

“We’ve talked about this.”

“I know. But that doesn’t change the fact that - we could use you.”

“I know. But the people here need me more. And I’m still -”

“Still CMO, I know.”

“I know Orion thinks Zeta’s the only information he needs now, but -”

“I know.” Roller says, “you think - you’re sure you’re still safe?”

“I -” Ratchet starts. “It’s never really been _safe_ here, it’s still the Dead End,” Roller frowns, “and - well, no one’s figured out that I was at the Primal Bascilla, but - it’s really only a matter of time.”

“You should come with us. Get away from Sentinel before it’s too late.”

“My _patients,_ Roller -”

“Your patients come first, I know - and so does Pax -”

“I know Pax comes first. But I’m your friend too.” Ratchet closes up the incision, washes his hands. “You could stay,” he says, over the sink, before turning and reaching up to put a hand on Roller’s elbow. “You could stay - this place has never been _safe,_ we both know it, but you - you could make it safe, for me, for all the bots who come here. And if something happens with Sentinel - you’ll be here. We can both join Orion.”

“I don’t -”

“Please, Roller. Stay.” Ratchet says. “I know Orion needs your help but - so do I.”

“Okay.” Roller says. “Okay - I’ll comm Pax. I’ll stay.”

\---

Not how it happened.

Repeat.

\---

“... heading to Alyon, Pax got a tipoff from Zeta, he’s managed to get most of the outliers - y’know, the kids who were with Shockwave - since they’re on the run too.” Roller says, “Alyon should be out of the way of Sentinel, it’s -”

“Middle of nowhere. I know. I -” Ratchet starts, shakes his head. “I don’t think you should go there.”

“What? Why?”

“I - there’ve been rumblings that Sentinel’s trying some sort of experiment out there. You’d be putting yourselves right on his radar.”

“What? What kind of experiment?”

“I don’t know exactly -”

“Well, that sounds like more reason for us to go and find out -”

\---

Don’t say that.

Repeat.

\---

“... heading to Alyon, Pax got a tipoff from Zeta -”

“Don’t go,” Ratchet says.

“What?”

“I just - I have a really bad feeling about Alyon.”

“You? You, Ratchet? You’ve never had a ‘bad feeling’ about anything in your life.”

“Yeah, well, if it’s strong enough to get through my skull, you know it must be real” Ratchet says, closing up the incision and washing his hands, before turning and putting a hand on Roller’s elbow. “Seriously, Roller, I’m not joking. Just - just stay, just for a week. Please. For my sake.”

“I’m going to spend the week making fun of you, just so you know.” Roller says, “‘ _bad feeling’._ ”

“So you’ll stay?”

“You really aren’t joking?” Ratchet shakes his head. “Well, okay. Guess I’ve done dumber things for worse reasons. I’ll stay.”

\---

Not how it happened.

 _For fucks sake, you sound like_ Drift.

Repeat.

\---

“... heading to Alyon, Pax got a tipoff from Zeta -”

“Don’t go.” Ratchet says, turning away from his patient, grabbing Roller’s elbow with both his hands still bloody. “ _Don’t go_ . You’re going to die there, you’re going to run out and do something _stupid_ and _brave_ and you’re going to _die_ and there isn’t even going to be a _body_ and _you_ **_can’t_ ** _do this to me, Roller,_ **_please -_ **”

\---

 _Definitely_ not how it happened.

Repeat.

\---

“... heading to Alyon, Pax got a tipoff from Zeta, he’s managed to get most of the outliers - y’know, the kids who were with Shockwave - since they’re on the run too.” Roller says, “Alyon should be out of the way of Sentinel, it’s -”

“Middle of nowhere. I know. Makes sense.” Ratchet keeps his hands occupied changing out the cog. “Zeta’s found him a safe way to get there, I assume,”

“Yeah. Ratchet -”

“We’ve talked about this.”

“I know. But that doesn’t change the fact that - we could use you.”

“I know. But the people here need me more. And I’m still -”

“Still CMO, I know.”

“I know Orion thinks Zeta’s the only information he needs now, but -”

“I know.” Roller says, “you think - you’re sure you’re still safe?”

“I think so. Safer than you’ll be.” Ratchet sighs, shrugs. “I’m trying, Roller. But this -” he gestures to the clinic.

“So you won’t be joining us.”

“My _patients,_ Roller…”

“Your patients come first, I know - and so does _Pax._ But I had to ask - once we leave Rodion, it won’t be easy for us to keep in touch.”

“Roller.”

“Yup?”

“Give me a minute.” He says, closes up the incision, washes his hands. “I’m sorry I can’t come with you,” he says, walking over and putting a hand on Roller’s elbow before tugging him into a hug as best he can, from half his height. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too,” Roller says, his hands taking up most of Ratchet shoulders as he hugs back.

“Stay safe out there, alright? Don’t do anything too stupid.”

Roller laughs. “You stay safe here, too.”

“Comm me when you can.”

“I will.”

“Come back soon.” Ratchet says, holding on to Roller as tight as he can, “Come back safe, you hear?”

\---

No.

Not how it happened.

Repeat.

\---

“... heading to Alyon, Pax got a tipoff from Zeta, he’s managed to get most of the outliers - y’know, the kids who were with Shockwave - since they’re on the run too.” Roller says, “Alyon should be out of the way of Sentinel, it’s -”

“Middle of nowhere. I know. Makes sense.” Ratchet keeps his hands occupied changing out the cog. “Zeta’s found him a safe way to get there, I assume,”

“Yeah. Ratchet -”

“We’ve talked about this.”

“I know. But that doesn’t change the fact that - we could use you.”

“I know. But the people here need me more. And I’m still -”

“Still CMO, I know.”

“I know Orion thinks Zeta’s the only information he needs now, but -”

“I know.” Roller says, “you think - you’re sure you’re still safe?”

“I think so. Safer than you’ll be.” Ratchet sighs, shrugs. “I’m trying, Roller. But this -” he gestures to the clinic.

“So you won’t be joining us.”

“My _patients,_ Roller…”

“Your patients come first, I know - and so does _Pax._ But I had to ask - once we leave Rodion, it won’t be easy for us to keep in touch.”

“Roller.”

“Yup?”

“... Thanks for dropping by.”

\---

Ratchet refocuses on the trial. He needs to get his processor checked, it must be glitching - he hasn’t run those sims back for - at least three million years, and now they’re playing on repeat.

Brainstorm’s listing off all the challenges inherent in building a time machine, the reasons he joined the Decepticons, everything he gave for for this chance.

It’s about killing Megatron, that’s what they’re talking about, but from what’s been said in the aftermath, he knows what Brainstorm said, knows that this started as a mission to save one person.

_He built his whole life around saving someone he loved, and you couldn’t even say goodbye properly._

Would he, now, now that he’s spent millions of years with these regrets? Would he, after Hunter? Had that been enough for him to learn?

(For a moment, his processor doesn’t go back to the clinic and Roller, it goes back to the shuttlebay and -)

If he could give up even a fraction of what Brainstorm had, to save Roller, even just to say goodbye, would he?

_Your badge? Your hands? Your friends?_

_Your life?_

Or would he be just like Brainstorm, and find he couldn’t do anything, when it came down to it? Would the words stick in his throat, if he could see Roller again?

‘You’re overthinking it, Ratch,’ he can almost hear Roller say, can almost hear him laugh -

It sounds like Drift’s laugh.

He frowns, shakes his head slightly, like that can clear his processor. His memory files aren’t that corrupted, that he can’t remember what Roller sounds like - they don’t sound _anything_ alike.

The trial’s reminding him of Drift. That’s all.

\---

There’s a ship overhead, a ship overhead and a field of sparks in front of him.

A field of sparks, and Roller’s back.

He knows this nightmare.

Roller runs out onto the field, under the blazing red laserfire, and Ratchet tries to yell at him to stop, to come back, but his vocalizer doesn’t work. Everyone else around him stands stock still, like zombies, optics glazed.

He tries to run after Roller, but it’s like trying to drive on tar - even though the laserfire doesn’t touch him, he can hardly move, and Roller only gets further and further away.

Until he doesn’t.

 _Then_ the nightmare lets Ratchet move, lets him race toward Roller, lets him -

He knows this nightmare, he knows that nothing he does, none of his tools, nothing will bring the light back into Roller’s dead optics when he finally sees his body.

Except it’s not Roller’s body.

He reaches a hand out to the wound on Drift’s forehead, above guttering optics - still lit, still lit, just fading.

Drift opens his mouth, like he’s about to say something, like he’s about to say -

Drift’s optics flicker, and something horrible and painful happens to Ratchet’s spark.

He wakes up.

He reflexively runs a self diagnostic - his fuel pump is churning too hard, something’s happened to his spark -

The test comes back: _stress response_

Which is clearly faulty, he’s not -

He sits up, puts his head in his hands, and sighs.

He hadn’t had - he hadn’t had the _original_ version of that nightmare in - in _years._ Centuries, even.

“Just had to bring the greatest hits back, didn’t you,” he mutters.

He doesn’t know if it’s better or worse to have the nightmare about someone who isn’t dead.

 _You don’t know that_ \- some part of his brain starts, and he immediately tells it to shut up.

Drift is alive.

It’s irrational to act so sure of that, he knows that. Drift would probably call it something stupid, ‘intuition’ or whatever.

He’d -

He hears Roller’s laugh this time.

He doesn’t remember how he met Roller.

Which is probably for the best, he doesn’t need another fucking memory to play on repeat in his brain.

Orion had probably introduced them, at some event. It hadn’t been a memorable first impression, or something he’d thought anything of, it couldn’t have been.

He doesn’t remember how he and Roller became friends, either, except one day Roller had stopped being the person who was there as often as not in the all too rare moments when he and Orion’s schedules had overlapped, laughing and telling jokes, and became someone Ratchet whose calendar he checked to find, somewhere in the midst of his own effectively nonexistent free time, an hour or two, just to hang out - and inevitably end up wingmanning for Roller - or for a ridiculous action movie, or an episode of Legend Smashers, when Ratchet got control of the remote.

Roller was easy to get along with, although, he supposes, he’d been kinder then, too. Roller had a loud laugh, and there was something driven-in in the way Roller cared, so that it showed even under the insecurity. And he always leaped without looking, which explained why he got along so well with Orion.

There wasn’t much in common, Roller and Drift, if you didn’t think about loyalty or circuit speeders.

Maybe what it boils down to is this:

Somewhere in the universe, there had been Roller.

Somewhere in the universe, there is Drift.

Ratchet (had been) is in neither of those places.

Ratchet gets up from his berth.

He can’t sleep.

He can’t do anything for Roller.

But that doesn’t mean he can’t do anything at all.

\---

“ _ Super-scraplets _ ? What makes them super?” 

Roller would laugh at him if he could see what Ratchet was doing. 

(So would Drift.)

“They can  _ teleport.  _ You can be standing next to an infected person or object, and vop! they’re inside you. After  _ that  _ … ouch.”

“Ah. I… see.” Rung says, looking slightly disturbed. 

“You’re probably fine,” Ratchet says, trying to reassure Rung about a made up problem, because this is starting out  _ great.  _ “Odds are you don’t even have them, this is just to be safe - if we catch them now, we can neutralize them, no problem.” He tries to smile and doesn’t know if he manages it. 

“Oh. Well then - thank you for your diligence.” Rung says, “Better to catch it now, certainly.”

Ratchet nods. “It’s good when you can catch these things before it’s too late, and they don’t get to causing damage,” he says. “Besides, I wanted to thank you for - telling me about Roller.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t bring it up at the most - tactful -”

“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have -” he shakes his head, “it’s been five million years, I shouldn’t have taken it like that.”   

“Time doesn’t mean we stop caring about the people we’ve lost,” Rung says, “there’s nothing wrong with you for having feelings when you’re reminded of that. I shouldn’t have -”

“It’s fine.” Ratchet says. “It was - it was something I needed to think about, as it turns out.”

“Oh?”

He shrugs. “Catching things before it’s too late.” 

Rung looks at him, for a moment he’s worried he’s given away too much. “Still, Ratchet, you know, if you ever -”

“Actually, I have something for you,” he says, cutting that  _ right  _ off, as he takes the card out from his subspace to hand to Rung.

“What is this?”

“Hoist’s number. You’re the  _ grief counselor _ , not me - but I think he needs to talk to someone. And I think you do, too. You seem a little lost, lately.”

Rung takes the card. “I do?” He asks, then looks down. “Well, perhaps I have been a little out of sorts…Still, I shouldn’t have brought that up the way I did.”

“No, I - I shouldn’t have snapped at you. That was my fault.” Ratchet says. “I was the one who insisted on hearing it, and - I guess I needed to hear it, anyway.” He waves a hand towards the card Rung is holding. “Hopefully that makes up for a bit of it.”

“I -” Rung starts, “Oh, are you done?” 

Ratchet looks down - he’s switched the scanner off without thinking about it. “Yeah. Out of sorts or not, the good news is, you don’t have super-scraplets,” Ratchet says, adding a smile. “You’re free to go, nothing to worry about.”

Rung breathes a sigh of relief as he stands up. “Thank you.”

“Of course - and you can always check with First Aid if you’re worried about anything else.”

Rung nods. “I’ll see you later?”

Ratchet just waves as he leaves the medibay.

\---

“I’ve seen the board. I’ve heard the board. But I’ve never touched the board… so what makes you think I might be infected?” Rodimus asks, his feet twitching, not quite sitting still as Ratchet examines him “Why the check up?” 

“You were in Fortuna with Tailgate when he bought the board. With  _ super-scraplets _ , it’s not physical contact that matters, it’s proximity.” Ratchet says.

“Huh,” Rodimus says, he looks distracted, Ratchet doubts whether he processed any of that. “It’s good timing, I guess, because … I guess I wanted to talk.” 

“Well, that’s convenient, because I wanted to chat about the hearing,” he adds, not looking at Rodimus, focusing on the readings on his scanner, irrelevant to anything to do with imaginary super scraplets. 

“What about the hearing?” Rodimus says.

Ratchet has to mind his grip on his scanner, he may not be doing anything important but that was no reason to destroy perfectly good equipment. “Letting Brainstorm stay - convening the whole Ethics Committee - you don’t think how you handled it was … inconsistent? 

“What d’you mean,” Rodimus asks, feet no longers swinging back and forth, ‘inconsistent’?” 

“Two Autobots confess to crimes. One gets publicly humiliated and  _ exiled _ ,” he can see Rodimus flinch and he barrels on, “the other gets a private  _ slap on the wris _ t. That’s inconsistent treatment. It is. I’m sorry, Rodimus, it  _ is _ !”

For a moment, it had looked like there was something on the tip of Rodimus’s tongue, but whatever it was, he doesn’t say it. He goes completely still for a moment - something that looks unnatural on him. 

Ratchet realizes he doesn’t want to look at those optics and whatever pain is behind them. He looks down at the scanner instead, the one scanning Rodimus’s vitals. 

_ stress response _   
  
When he looks back up, Rodimus has unfrozen, let his face slip into a frown. “You think we were too soft on  _ Brainstorm _ ?”

“No, I think you were too hard on  _ Drift _ . I’ve  _ always  _ thought you were too hard on him.” He means it - not from when Rodimus had confessed, but from the moment Drift’s badge had been taken, the moment he’d stepped out into a hostile crowd, it had felt wrong. 

There’s something Rodimus isn’t saying, from the look on his face, Ratchet’s almost sure of it, almost calls him on it. Instead, he just says, “but the committee hearing… that was the final straw.”

“Well, we both know what you think about my leadership.” Rodimus says, standing up. “Are we done, or do I have to add ‘getting  _ super scraplets _ ’ to my list of mistakes?” 

“You’re clean.”

Rodimus doesn’t say anything, just nods sharply and makes his way towards the door. Ratchet looks away, setting the scanner aside, trying to steady himself for the next name on his list. 

Rodimus stops in the middle of the floor, Ratchet can see him from the corner of his optics, looking up at the ceiling, fists clenched.

“Ratchet,” Rodimus starts, “what I - Rung said he talked to you about Roller.” 

Ratchet freezes. That certainly hadn’t been where he’d expected  _ that  _ to go.

“They were transporting the sparks to Nyon.” Rodimus says. “And - this isn’t what you want to hear,” he adds, “but from the dates Perceptor said, that - that would have been me. Was me. I can’t -” he shakes his head, “burned the records with everything else, so I can’t  _ check,  _ but. They told me the day, and I - remembered.”

He isn’t the only person in the room with regrets. He doesn’t know why it was so easy to forget that.

_ You have someone you  _ can  _ save,  _ he thinks,  _ after everything, why don’t you? Why let that be another -  _

He almost asks Rodimus. Then he looks at the lines under Rodimus’s optics, that weren’t there before, and doesn’t.

“Whatever you -” Rodimus continues, cuts himself off, restarts. “There were good people I grew up with. Good people he saved. I don’t know if - but I thought you should know that.”

Ratchet leans heavily on the tray in front of him, not trusting himself to show his face to Rodimus. 

He can hear the sound of Rodimus’s feet on the floor as he turns to leave. 

A younger Rodimus would probably have stormed out of the medibay without saying any of that. 

If everything goes to plan, this could very well be his last time speaking to Rodimus before he leaves. He’s not interested in creating more regrets while fixing one.

“Rodimus,” he says, and hears the clank of Rodimus’s feet stop. “He would have liked you.” 

Rodimus doesn’t say anything, and after a moment Ratchet musters himself to turn around, to find Rodimus similarly struggling to school his own face into some semblance of order. He squares his jaw and nods. 

“Thanks for the checkup, Ratch.”

\---

The shuttle is fueled and supplied. 

All his goodbyes, for his part, have been said. 

His miniature compatriot, courtesy of Ten, is tucked safely in his subspace.

He’s ready.

Facing the wider universe, in search of one lone Cybertronian, with nothing but the last traces of an Autobot shuttle signal to go on.

Leaping without looking.

He can almost hear Roller laughing at him. It sounds like him this time. 

A smile finds its way onto his face. He takes out the miniature of Drift, sets him on the shuttle dash.

Maybe some regrets don’t have to stay regrets.

Maybe they don’t need to be repeated.

He lays in a course, and turns the shuttle’s engines on. 

 


End file.
